Angee: go back to africa for a minute, okay?
Angee: listen.
Angee: watch your videos, look through your pictures. read your journal. just do that tonight, okay? take ten minutes to go back to that time, where you felt infinite. where you saw the hope and the strength in those kids at the airfield school, in isaac and annie and bright and godsway. drink that in. your strength is there, shelbs. go back to that, bring out that strength and that hope.
yo firecracker: those kids, that school, that country - it's all inside you. i promise you, it is.



Shelby: it is.

PS Happy Inauguration day. I spent mine with people I love. And I will not not not forget it.

"Strength is measured by what you build, not what you destroy."

"What a piece of work is man"

is the name of Angee's blog. It's a pleasing quote. Today I was writing my little mini-speech for the student of the month (shelby kay-fantozzi is the STUDENT OF THE MONTH! Be excited.) and--well--are you aware of those moments in which you decide to have an opinion on something kind of out of thin air? It was an epiphany, I guess. So I was writing my speech, and pulled THIS out of thin air...

...Though I don't have her for class anymore, I’ve continued to learn from her—mostly about surviving the tough moments and enjoying the good ones. These are two people who I can approach with any problem, story—anything—and I know they’re there for me. This year I’ve realized how valuable that is and I can’t thank either of them enough.

I need to start paying attention when things like that come out of my subconscious. Generally I'm struck with thoughts like "It'd be cool to get married in a planetarium*" or--actually written as I fell asleep at my keyboard doing a lit essay--"fork demonstrates the disappointment explained ever, a let-down made even more unbearable b." But when a really good idea comes my way--well, that's the real reason I have a blog. It's the perfect sort of place to record those discoveries.

"Surviving the tough moments...enjoying the good ones." I need to spend much more time getting in touch with the optimist within me. I need to compartmentalize. At the end of the day, I need to be able to refine my experiences, separate them by their significance and grief/joy factor. I need to listen to more Bach and read more fiction novels. I need to drop the panic attacks and return to the habit of meditation. I need to allot myself time for enjoying the sun and the stars. Those are my inside goals, only important to me. Of course, I also need to get my work done, get a job, and advance my other 'outside' goals.

I write and think often about the subject of deciding what matters and what doesn't. But the practice is much harder than sitting in front of the keyboard and waxing philosophical for an audience of approximately 6 readers. I have to remember when time feels like it's rushing by too fast for me to even react to anything, it's probably because my thoughts aren't as organized as they should be.

What can I say? I'm not the most organized person. That's why other people help me see things the right way. But I'm learning to do this on my own.

Training wheels in the form of written word in 3...
2...
1...

Good things:
It's always better when we're together.
Today was international 'hug an actor' day. Aubs took full advantage.
*Air on the G String set to a montage of deep space pictures.
I made plans for surprising someone.
I went out with my friends. Twice.
Coffee.
The knowledge that I never spent even a small section of my life as a mall rat.
Innuendo.

An Edit to the Evening

Well, it seems that wearing my heart on my sleeve has opened me up to being vulnerable about many many things that I've been attempting to ignore...and in short, I would like to proudly state that my mom is always there for me and I am extremely thankful for it. I'm thankful for boo boo kissing and two-hour heart-to-heart crying sessions and every trait that I've inherited from her--those things don't just make me who I am, they make me a better person.

I'm particularly glad that I've inherited her coping mechanism--It's this feeling of breaking down, then pulling myself up by my bootstraps and saying, "how can I contribute?" or "how can I fix the problem?" Basically, how can I make myself proud of the way I reacted to this issue? So on that note, my to-do list is:

1. Thank Mom profusely.

2. Thank Jackson profusely.

3. Thank Aubrey profusely.

4. Thank Sam profusely.

5. Write a letter to my dad. This might sound awkward and formal, but I'm thinking it'll help me get my ducks in a row--plus there's the benefit of the backspace button...

6. Start the habit of writing letters to my brothers. These will be less of a 95 theses of parenting (see above) and more of a fun way to keep in touch with them. I hope. It gives me a chance to share something I love (writing!) with them, too.

7. Work on some kind of awareness campaign in memorial to Pete. I didn't know him well at all, but after Mr. Lozano had an amazing heartfelt talk with us about his passing on Monday morning, I realized that just because I didn't know Pete doesn't mean that I have to act desensitized or pretend the issue is impersonal. I know very little about why people make these destructive decisions because--well, I guess you could argue that I'm kind of a prude, I don't know their situations, and I decided early on that I wasn't into putting my body through that kind of abuse. But I feel like the way I could pay tribute to him is by getting one less kid in that situation. I don't know what this would entail at all, yet, so if you have ANY ideas...tell me.

8. Improve my attitude. I think someone out there is trying to make it really clear to me that life is short. I need to spend more time figuring out what matters and what doesn't, and allowing myself to laugh when I'm happy and cry when I'm sad. I have to thank every person that opens me up and get rid of the people that make me feel like nothing.

Let me tell you what's great.

[[say shelby...what's great?]]

I think I can do all of this.

Some Days

Just aren't good. Generally it's a matter of outlook. I started my day fussy and concerned about the stuff I'm going through...et voila, I stayed that way all day--and looked forward to fourth block, when I could hang out, take a deep breath, and detox. Sam was right...I do live in the physics lab.

Anyway, today I was reminded of how much talking to someone--anyone--can improve your mood or outlook when you're upset. Even when there's no advice to be given, no healing measures to be taken, there's something to just sitting down, looking someone in the eye, and (not to be graphic) purging. Getting a little sympathy and a shoulder to lean on makes all the difference in the world.

The really incredible part is the people who perform this therapy/gypsy magic (I'm not sure which it is yet...you can't rule out the magic) on you are generally so unassuming--they do it because it's the right thing to do, or they care about you. And they make it known simply by their actions.

This post is...not well written. But I'm not editing it.

EDIT: This was going to be a more ambiguous thanks to all people who have been there for me recently, but I really should give extra props to Jackson--for being so accessible all the time, and understanding my situation, and especially for being honest about the fact that there's no advice, or anything I can do--things "will just suck" for a little while, but eventually they'll get better.

After this afternoon, I do believe they will.

Magnetic Poet

In what might wind up being the most productivity-destroying procrastination-enhancing gift ever, my Mumsie gave me a Magnetic Poetry Calendar for Christmas.

It likely wouldn't be such a problem-maker (a welcome one, don't get me wrong) if the calendar weren't GOD in our house. It exists in several forms in order for me to stay on top of the busy-ness--Mom's master calendar downstairs, my little lit-nerd assembly up here, a white board that keeps track of my weekly activities (with room for doodles in the 12 colors of white board markers I've amassed) and of course, the Google Calendar online, which is MY master calendar...which sends my phone text messages ten minutes before any event happens, so I'm always on top of things.

It's a complicated life I lead.

In other christmas news, the gifts were good (lots of books!), the break was eventful (ice skating! movie-thons! Slumdog Millionaire!) and I got to see a lot of people. I missed a few really important ones, but almost everyone was covered. I worked on homework incrementally (though I left most of it for this weekend) and slept a lot.

And I honestly feel like I need another two weeks in order to really have a BREAK. But I'm also glad to be headed back to school tomorrow...I need a new routine.